My first three children were a much different experience for me than my last three. I had my first when I was 22 and my second and third followed quickly after. I had 3 kids…3 and under. It was something else. 

At the time, Brad, my husband, was teaching and coaching. He would leave at  6:00am and usually come home around 6 if it was a practice day or 10 if it was a game day. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken care of 3 kids under three by yourself while also trying to run a photography business, but it’s not really all that easy. 

There are much harder things in the world for sure, but these years in my life weren’t a cake walk. Not only were the day to day needs of 3 babies difficult to satisfy, but somewhere along the way, I forgot who I was apart from being a mother. My kids didn’t go to daycare at all, so every single part of my day was centered around them. For a while I was just trying to make it through the days. I was always so tired. I tried to nap when they napped, but if I did that, my house was a complete disaster 24/7. That added a level of “not enoughness” to my mental game as well. My business was always the thing that came last, and that was difficult for me to accept because my business was the only part left of the me that I recognized. 

I had no friends, because I didn’t have time for friends, and my only conversation with an adult was my sister on the days that she spent with me and her 3 young children. We looked like we had a daycare when we would go on walks or to the mall. People would always say, “Wow. You guys have your hands full.” 

I remember once when Brad arranged for a day all to ourselves. He got us Cardinals baseball tickets and asked my mom to watch our children. It was a great idea, in theory. 

The only way I could perceive that at the time was that I was escaping for the day, but the break wasn’t able to “fix” anything in my overwhelmed brain. Now I LOVE Cardinals baseball, but escaping for the day, to be surrounded by thousands of other people wasn’t exactly what I needed. On top of that, I didn’t have any children attached to me, and it was taking me a while to decompress after we left them. There was also this thing running through my head that was telling me, if I was going to escape for the day, I wanted my husband to be the one taking care of our kids. Leaving them with someone else just felt like more pressure because they still weren’t getting to spend time with daddy. 

Because of everything above, I had to have Brad pull over to the side of the interstate. I was having a major panic attack. When I have panic attacks, I have to run. I NEVER run. Running isn’t even a goal for me. I hate running. I’ve always hated running. But on this day, with this panic attack, all I could do was run. So…I ran along the interstate as far as I could go. 

I tried to run away from myself and my body. I know it’s hard to believe, but it didn’t work. I just needed some peace. I needed a break from every thought running through me. 

Eventually I got back in the vehicle. I think Brad probably thought I was crazy. I wouldn’t blame him. There’s just no way that I could explain it to him. It was too much to understand if you’ve never felt it. I know there are some momma’s out there who have experienced almost exactly the same thing. 

To those mommas I would like to say, I get you. I believe in you. There are better days coming. Just kiss your babies and hold them even when you want to cry from overwhelm. Be still. You are not crazy. You are not weird. You have a place in this world. You are loved.