One of the first memories that I have is when I was 7 years old, being dropped off at vacation bible school, standing at the back of the church, and being completely confused as to why I was there. I remember thinking, “why do these people say things like this? Who made up this story? Why do we talk about it every year in the summer?”
I promise I wasn’t judging (not that I’m not guilty of being judgmental). It was simply that I couldn’t and didn’t believe. But, my fascination wasn’t with my unbelief, it was more geared towards why humans put on this persona. Why did people tell this story, act like it gave them peace, and then preach it to others?
At the time I probably just chalked it up to “this whole God thing” being a profession, so someone had to do it. It wasn’t unlike being a teacher or an electrician. Someone had to tell these unbelievable stories about this Jesus guy, and so the job was filled.
It never occurred to me that it could be true, because the same people that preached about Jesus being love, and only love, would also criticize and dismiss unfortunate souls at school. That’s the reality I lived in.
So clearly, (I thought) it’s not truth. I mean, that woman talking right now about love, literally just chastised a kid for not being clean when he came to school.
Obviously love and outright dismissal of a human don’t go together.
Jesus is clearly just a story that someone gets appointed to tell.
My next thought was, “I’ll just go out and kick the ball now.” And there it went. The need to understand Jesus was pushed to the side for several years. I put it in the same mental folder as Santa and the tooth fairy because I was already beginning to understand that those things weren’t possible either.
Over the next several years I filled that place within me that needed to understand things by observing and contemplating humans and human behavior. That need continues still. I am a lover of humans. I deeply care for people. Deeply.
This may sound like I’m bragging on myself, I’m not. I just feel the need for you to understand that my reactions to pieces of my story are connected to this moment, and this experience of observing humanity.
I quickly fell into the trap of trying to please humanity because of my first need to understand it.
Some of you might connect with that idea.
I have no way of tying this up with a pretty bow and allowing you to let go of the stress that comes with the need to please, but I will say this, you are not alone. I’ve been struggling with this need for over 40 years.
I’m in the trenches with you.
