Obviously church isn’t really where I find God. If you read my last blog, you can see that organized religion isn’t really my thing. I used to think that those two things go hand in hand. I’ve come to realize that they don’t, not for me, anyway. 

I’m not saying that I don’t like church. I actually do enjoy it now. It’s just two things… 

It’s hard for me to look at the hypocrisy of humans and not become a judgmental jerk. I hate that about myself. And for some reason, I expect more from the people inside of a church. Now, I understand, that’s not fair. I get that we are all just human, and we all have our struggles that keep us from living like Jesus. My head understands that, but my heart has a really hard time with it. Sometimes I end up feeling worse than I did when I went in because of my inability to keep a pure heart. Judgment has always been a cross that I’ve had to bear. And when I judge, I don’t like myself. 

Also, ritual is difficult for me when it comes to religion. This may be kind of hard to follow but I’ll try to explain.

It took me 39 years to believe in God, really believe. The most terrifying thing I can think of is going through something in this human life, that causes me to lose the connection with Him that I finally have. Ritual makes me feel like I’ll start taking the love I feel for God, for granted. I don’t want to get lost in the “steps”. I want to feel Him and His love for the rest of my life. It has become my most treasured relationship, and I can’t lose it. There’s a part of my brain that feels like if I fully become a part of the church rituals, it will become less important to me. 

I know that’s crazy, but it’s all I can feel right now. 

I share all of this to share that this is where I am currently. I’m in a place of utter and total belief in God, but feeling a disconnect with the earthly view of God through religion. It’s a really important distinction for me to make because of the way that I felt when I was atheist and went to church with my family or friends. I need to be completely honest about my relationship with religion and the difference between that and my relationship with God. I could explain that further, but it’s a lot longer of an explanation than just a blog.