Author: Callie Page (Page 1 of 3)

Chapter 11 (The Awkward Moments)

February 5, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

My brother was a big source of my life lessons. I could say that I learned who I wanted to be in the world because of who he is. My brother, Jacob, is autistic.

When he was diagnosed no one really knew what autism was. I remember feeling like he was the first one, ever. Now, I know that he wasn’t but because it was 33 years ago when we got the diagnosis, there weren’t a lot of people to share that load with us. He was different, we knew that. What we weren’t sure of was how his being different would affect our lives.

Jacob has always been blunt. There is no filter. He isn’t trying to be mean or hurt someone, he just says what’s on his mind. Now, I know that some people use this excuse as the reason that they say mean things to people, but that isn’t Jacob.

He wouldn’t even know to use an excuse for his frankness. He doesn’t understand that we have societal norms and you can’t tell a person they are ugly or obese,etc.

I remember one time in high school I brought a couple friends home. One of them was beautiful. I mean, this girl was movie star pretty, and my other friend was not the societally acceptable view of attractive. I knew it would be something Jacob commented on, I just didn’t know how.

As soon as we walked in the door he came over to us, put his arm around the pretty one and kissed her on the cheek. He then proceeded to call my unattractive friend, “miss big nose”. Now, I know you are probably laughing at the screen right now, but for me, that sort of thing defined my formative years.

I had to learn how to dodge and weave through conversations.

In really awkward moments, Jacob forced me to learn how to make it less weird for everyone around me. He taught me how to make everyone in the group feel comfortable. I learned very quickly how to deflect pain, lift people up, and highlight peoples genuine strengths. I had to. Jacob forced me into that role.

I’m grateful for that.

At the time, it seemed like a negative. It felt like I had added pressure on myself and my life. It felt like I had it tougher than other people in some situations. Having an autistic brother seemed a little unfair.

Little did I know, his presence in my life equipped me with one of my favorite qualities about myself.

Chapter 10 (The Debate)

February 1, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

Speech and writing class in high school was an absolute joy for me. I understand that those sorts of classes aren’t everyone’s favorite, but man, I loved it. Debate speeches were probably at the top of my list when it came to enjoying an assignment. I loved debate in general, but when I had a group of kids forced into being my audience, I was at the top of my game.

I had an adamant argument for atheism at the time, and religious debate was the cream of the crop. I read Christian books, including the bible, often in high school. The initial reason for that was because I needed ammo for my debating skills, but eventually it became something else entirely.

One particular day, there was a debate between Brandon (a fellow senior classmate) and I. It was a debate surrounding the idea of God and I was on the side of atheism. I will never forget towards the end of the debate when he had come to a realization that what he had previously thought was just a strength in debating, was actually my personal belief. He stopped the debate, looked me square in the eye, and said, “WAIT! You legitimately don’t believe in God? I thought this intensity was just for our debate?”

I said, “I don’t.”

He said, (and this is an actual direct quote, I’ll never forget it) “You HAVE to believe in God. You’re so nice to people. Why would you be nice to people unless you had a reason?”

In that moment he summed up what I had previously had so much trouble accepting from Christians. I had so much anger around Christians thinking that in order to do good in the world, you had to be a believer. Your reasoning had to be focused on getting something out of it personally and getting into heaven.

At the time, that reasoning was so selfish and self-serving. How dare people ONLY be nice to others in order to get something out of it themselves. There was nothing less loving than that. I hated that Christians not only made that ok, but openly accepted it as a goal.

At this point in my life and my belief I understand that there are many pieces to this puzzle. Some that I tend to agree with on a soul level and some that are just completely false in my heart. I no longer have the need or desire to debate any of it.

God has given me that peace.

I’m not sure why He would do that. I certainly don’t deserve it. It took me 39 years to accept the peace that He had to offer, but He stayed present in my life and waited for me. Why did He, after all these years, give me exactly what I wanted and needed?

Why wouldn’t He discipline me in a way that didn’t allow me to get exactly what I wanted? Why wouldn’t He “parent” me in a way that taught me a lesson? Instead, He loved me unconditionally even when He shouldn’t have. I denied His existence for so long. He had every right to withhold that peace from me.

I don’t deserve Him, and yet, I still feel His peace. My greatest prayer is that the whole world gets to feel His peace no matter what they’ve done. My greatest hope is that you are able to feel that love. And if you aren’t quite yet, please know, I believe, it’s coming.

Chapter 9 (The Next Step)

January 22, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a mental health counselor. I think maybe jr. high was the first time that I realized it. I met with a counselor that I adored and looked up to. After the meeting with her, I started to really believe in my dream. I had a one track mind until after the completion of my masters degree in counseling 11 years later.

I understood the reticence of my parents and family members who wondered if counseling/psychology was really a plan for my future. I understood that they didn’t see the profession as I saw the profession. It didn’t help that no one in my family at the time was in that industry, or benefitted from that industry…not that we didn’t need it. Everyone could use a little counseling.

At the time, psych was not really 100% accepted by everyone around me, but I knew it was right. I finished the degree. I got the job. I had babies. I quit the job. I started a business in a completely different industry. I thought I was done with the dream.

Silly me.

Of course I wasn’t done. Looking back I can see all of the perfectly laid plans, and the convictions, and drive to finish my counseling dream for what it is…

The next step.

That’s how everything I’ve done has been. It’s all just been the next step. God hasn’t shown me how each piece “ends” before it ends. He only shows me the next step and I chase it, knock it down, and I think I know exactly what it means for my future. Most the time, I don’t.

I don’t think I’d wish for it any other way. I trust in the plan. Thank goodness, too, because I don’t have the capacity for more than that.

For so long I didn’t understand that for what it was, and is. I thought there was a definite and “right” path. I thought that when I seemingly chose the wrong profession, path, friendship, etc. that I made the “wrong” choice. It was never about that. It was always about that decision being the next step. All of those “wrong” decisions taught me something about myself and the world around me and helped me in my next journey. It was never about getting it wrong. I’m not that important. My decisions aren’t that monumental. It was just about the next step, and with God at the helm, I’ll get there. I always do.

Chapter 8 (The Comparison)

January 15, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

My older sister was always someone who I looked up to with so much admiration. She was and is beautiful, smart, loved by our whole town, and a teacher’s favorite. I was happy to be her sister, but sometimes I would spend my time comparing how wonderful she was to how average I was.

As a kid, the comparison was strong. Sometimes it’s all I could see. I envied her, but I never tried to compete with her. I knew that she was good and loved and special. I didn’t ever think that wasn’t the case. I was never jealous. I was always proud of her.

I never tried to “beat” her at being great. I just gladly took second place. I stood behind her. I let her shine. I tried to take on her persona in an effort to be “better”. I tried to feel and emote the same way she did. I tried to emulate her interactions with others. I tried to be the most like her that I could but was completely satisfied with being second best. She deserved all the greatness.

Here’s where it gets crazy.

This rendition of our childhood is not at all how she saw it. We’ve had conversations about who we are and were in the world, and it looks very different than what the other person thought. It’s almost funny how different the perspectives are.

When I realized this, the idea of “no one is looking at you as much as you are” really became real for me.

I know that you’ve heard the sentiment of “don’t worry about yourself so much, no one else is.” Everyone is just worried about themselves and how to keep themselves on track. It’s a popular thought, but we seem to forget it in everyday life. She was thinking about how she showed up in the world, and I was only thinking about how I showed up in the world. When we had a conversation about it, the experience was incredibly illuminating for me.

It’s too bad for humanity that we can’t get past ourselves, but it’s also freeing to know that our only responsibility is our own selves. (If you’re a parent, you know that’s not completely true for about 18 years, but at the core of our existence, it is.) I guess it’s humbling to know that we are supposed to be on this journey of self discovery.

Comparison and judgment is futile. Fear of not being enough is useless. Worrying about what will come for us tomorrow is pointless. We couldn’t control any of that if we tried. All we can do is love and then love, and then love some more. Everything else becomes unimportant.

It only took me 39 years to learn this. I’m a slow learner, but eventually I got there.

Chapter 7 (The One)

January 8, 2025 / Callie Page / 2 Comments

As a part of the “not enoughness” feeling that I often carried with me throughout my life, I had this assumption that the “man of my dreams” would fix it. I imagined that he would fill those places that felt empty within me. I romanticized the thought of him being perfect, and I ached to meet him so that I could stop feeling so empty. So I searched. I prayed (to what i’m not sure, maybe the universe?). I thought about it daily. Honestly, probably most minutes of most days when I hit jr. high.

I dated a few boys in high school. I was pretty lucky, they were great boys. They all treated me very well and respected me. I couldn’t have asked for more.

None of them, however, were the missing piece. None of them were the link to my happiness that I so desperately needed them to be. They didn’t complete me. So I kept searching.

Years later, when I found my missing piece (more on that in a later post), I realized that the things I thought he was supposed to fix, he couldn’t. From the time I was too young to even understand, I had a need that hadn’t been filled.

The realization of Brad, my husband and missing piece, not being the answer to all of my “not enoughness” parts of myself was excruciating. I REALLY didn’t understand what I was supposed to do with this feeling of emptiness inside of me. I was so confused. He couldn’t have been more perfect for me. He couldn’t have done anything better. We couldn’t be better friends. He was my soulmate, and I knew that. How could that not be enough?

I was so confused and so hurt. This feeling led me to struggling for years in silence, because he was supposed to be all of my answers before I realized he couldn’t be.

I was back at square one.

I just wanted so desperately to feel full.

There’s much more to this story and it gets laid out later throughout the remaining blog posts. The important part of this part of the story for me was that I realized I had this initial need for someone to fix the parts of me that I couldn’t seem to fix myself.

My high school self was looking for “the one” because I just knew that would be my answer. Someone would fill that for me. I just had to find the right person.

Learning that wasn’t possible, was one of the most formative and difficult experiences of my life.

Years and years later I watched a video posted on social media by Will Smith talking about the very same thing that he walked through with his wife, Jada. It’s amazing how this need and feeling lives in all of us. It doesn’t matter if you are just a simple girl from the midwest or an international superstar, our human needs and desires seem to come back to one place.

We all just want to be loved unconditionally, understood, and cared about. We want to feel “full”. It’s human nature. And there is a larger reason for it. I’m grateful for the need because it makes this life bigger than us, and I’ve learned, none of us can fill it alone.