Author: Callie Page (Page 2 of 4)

Young Callie, siblings, mom sitting on couch

Chapter 13 (The Breaking Point)

February 19, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

As a kid, my house was the house that everyone wanted to go to. My parents took kids home from school functions and made sure they had somewhere to go. My house was always available to anyone who needed it. My friends, and even just acquaintances, felt loved by my parents. My mom and dad did a really good job of that. I can recall several occasions where my friends would mention how they wished my parents could be their parents. They just loved kids well.

However, I learned from my mom that everyone has their breaking point.

On the way home from school one day, our van was filled with extra children like always. Several of our friends wanted a ride instead of walking the few blocks home that they normally did. With her usual grace, my mother said yes, and happily offered them all to pile in.

Then it happened…

The radio was playing Garth Brooks, Standing Outside the Fire, and one of the kids in the car made mention of the “retard” that was on the music video for this particular song.

Because my mom, and our family, was deep in the sorrow of trying to figure out the life and future of my brother, Jacob, she DID NOT appreciate the word, retard. It was the one word she wouldn’t tolerate. For her, the utter dismissal of a human being came through that word. She was so hurt by its connotation.

She stopped the van and to my sister and I’s utter humiliation, she asked him to get out.

Now, for my mom this kind of abrupt treatment of a kid was completely outside of the norm. He was confused and apologetic, but followed her instruction. He walked home that day. My sister and I understood immediately. And although we were a little embarrassed, we learned a valuable lesson that day.

Sometimes life is hard and whether or not others understand our reactions, we have them. Life can send us down a spiral that we need to escape from. Sometimes we can’t take another thing that hurts us. Sometimes we just have to separate ourselves from the pain.

And that’s ok.

It has to be. We can only do what we can do, and that is always enough. We are only human.

Chapter 12 (The Wheel)

February 12, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

One of my memories of Jake that is seared into my brain, involves me making myself smaller, almost non-existent actually.

My sister and I realized very quickly after he was diagnosed that if we were quieter and followed the rules a little better, then our parents wouldn’t be as stressed out by Jake. We thought that if we could be perfect, then maybe Jake wouldn’t be so difficult to handle. If we could keep our house calmer, then Jake’s outbursts would be the only “bad” thing they had to deal with.

We weren’t adults at the time, so we had no idea how many other stressors faced a parent with young kids.

Life is just hard. When you add relationships, work, finances, and anxiety to the mix it makes it even harder.

One time in particular I remember that the wheel fell off our van as we were driving down the interstate. The whole wheel! As I remember it, we skidded to a stop as our wheel bounced across lanes of traffic. It’s a miracle it didn’t cause an accident. We were totally fine, just a little shaken up. I remember being stopped next to a steep ditch. In my little kid brain, if I moved one way or the other, I could tip the van and we could fall to our death. I’m sure it wasn’t quite that extreme, but it sure was scary.

I’m sure my parents were freaking out. However, the only thing I remember with certainty is that they were both VERY quiet. Unusually quiet actually, and it kind of scared me. I realize now that it was probably because of Jake. They didn’t want to disturb his sense of calm. Anything out of the ordinary could be jolting to him.

I followed suit.

It’s the smallest I’ve ever made myself.

My sister and I sat almost perfectly still in the back seat. We didn’t ask any questions. We didn’t show our fear. We didn’t dare speak. We knew that we needed to be non-existent in order to keep Jake calm.

At the time, we thought we had it figured out. We thought that if we just did everything right and never messed up, then maybe our parents could deal with life a little easier. I never realized what this was teaching me about showing up in the world. For a long time, maybe even still, I immediately try to tamp down my experiences (both good and bad) down and fall easily into the role of playing small to become non-existent. I try to calm everything that “moves too fast” or seems “too noisy.”

It wasn’t until I was able to believe in Jesus that the pressure to control my life around me, left me. I finally realized that the life that happens to me, isn’t because of me or something that I’ve done. I can’t be perfect enough or even too perfect to be worthy. The importance of the experience leads me to believe and trust in God.

Man, that really changes things.

That idea changes my entire outlook on life. When I’m able to believe and trust, I’m able to see a world that doesn’t revolve around me and what happens in my life. When the focus and the purpose is to love Jesus, enjoy the peace He brings, and hopefully (with His help) allow other people to see Him through me, then life becomes a whole lot more meaningful.

If it’s not about me, I can live with the pain that life causes. Especially if it brings the kind of peace that truly sets me free.

Chapter 11 (The Awkward Moments)

February 5, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

My brother was a big source of my life lessons. I could say that I learned who I wanted to be in the world because of who he is. My brother, Jacob, is autistic.

When he was diagnosed no one really knew what autism was. I remember feeling like he was the first one, ever. Now, I know that he wasn’t but because it was 33 years ago when we got the diagnosis, there weren’t a lot of people to share that load with us. He was different, we knew that. What we weren’t sure of was how his being different would affect our lives.

Jacob has always been blunt. There is no filter. He isn’t trying to be mean or hurt someone, he just says what’s on his mind. Now, I know that some people use this excuse as the reason that they say mean things to people, but that isn’t Jacob.

He wouldn’t even know to use an excuse for his frankness. He doesn’t understand that we have societal norms and you can’t tell a person they are ugly or obese,etc.

I remember one time in high school I brought a couple friends home. One of them was beautiful. I mean, this girl was movie star pretty, and my other friend was not the societally acceptable view of attractive. I knew it would be something Jacob commented on, I just didn’t know how.

As soon as we walked in the door he came over to us, put his arm around the pretty one and kissed her on the cheek. He then proceeded to call my unattractive friend, “miss big nose”. Now, I know you are probably laughing at the screen right now, but for me, that sort of thing defined my formative years.

I had to learn how to dodge and weave through conversations.

In really awkward moments, Jacob forced me to learn how to make it less weird for everyone around me. He taught me how to make everyone in the group feel comfortable. I learned very quickly how to deflect pain, lift people up, and highlight peoples genuine strengths. I had to. Jacob forced me into that role.

I’m grateful for that.

At the time, it seemed like a negative. It felt like I had added pressure on myself and my life. It felt like I had it tougher than other people in some situations. Having an autistic brother seemed a little unfair.

Little did I know, his presence in my life equipped me with one of my favorite qualities about myself.

Chapter 10 (The Debate)

February 1, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

Speech and writing class in high school was an absolute joy for me. I understand that those sorts of classes aren’t everyone’s favorite, but man, I loved it. Debate speeches were probably at the top of my list when it came to enjoying an assignment. I loved debate in general, but when I had a group of kids forced into being my audience, I was at the top of my game.

I had an adamant argument for atheism at the time, and religious debate was the cream of the crop. I read Christian books, including the bible, often in high school. The initial reason for that was because I needed ammo for my debating skills, but eventually it became something else entirely.

One particular day, there was a debate between Brandon (a fellow senior classmate) and I. It was a debate surrounding the idea of God and I was on the side of atheism. I will never forget towards the end of the debate when he had come to a realization that what he had previously thought was just a strength in debating, was actually my personal belief. He stopped the debate, looked me square in the eye, and said, “WAIT! You legitimately don’t believe in God? I thought this intensity was just for our debate?”

I said, “I don’t.”

He said, (and this is an actual direct quote, I’ll never forget it) “You HAVE to believe in God. You’re so nice to people. Why would you be nice to people unless you had a reason?”

In that moment he summed up what I had previously had so much trouble accepting from Christians. I had so much anger around Christians thinking that in order to do good in the world, you had to be a believer. Your reasoning had to be focused on getting something out of it personally and getting into heaven.

At the time, that reasoning was so selfish and self-serving. How dare people ONLY be nice to others in order to get something out of it themselves. There was nothing less loving than that. I hated that Christians not only made that ok, but openly accepted it as a goal.

At this point in my life and my belief I understand that there are many pieces to this puzzle. Some that I tend to agree with on a soul level and some that are just completely false in my heart. I no longer have the need or desire to debate any of it.

God has given me that peace.

I’m not sure why He would do that. I certainly don’t deserve it. It took me 39 years to accept the peace that He had to offer, but He stayed present in my life and waited for me. Why did He, after all these years, give me exactly what I wanted and needed?

Why wouldn’t He discipline me in a way that didn’t allow me to get exactly what I wanted? Why wouldn’t He “parent” me in a way that taught me a lesson? Instead, He loved me unconditionally even when He shouldn’t have. I denied His existence for so long. He had every right to withhold that peace from me.

I don’t deserve Him, and yet, I still feel His peace. My greatest prayer is that the whole world gets to feel His peace no matter what they’ve done. My greatest hope is that you are able to feel that love. And if you aren’t quite yet, please know, I believe, it’s coming.

Chapter 9 (The Next Step)

January 22, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a mental health counselor. I think maybe jr. high was the first time that I realized it. I met with a counselor that I adored and looked up to. After the meeting with her, I started to really believe in my dream. I had a one track mind until after the completion of my masters degree in counseling 11 years later.

I understood the reticence of my parents and family members who wondered if counseling/psychology was really a plan for my future. I understood that they didn’t see the profession as I saw the profession. It didn’t help that no one in my family at the time was in that industry, or benefitted from that industry…not that we didn’t need it. Everyone could use a little counseling.

At the time, psych was not really 100% accepted by everyone around me, but I knew it was right. I finished the degree. I got the job. I had babies. I quit the job. I started a business in a completely different industry. I thought I was done with the dream.

Silly me.

Of course I wasn’t done. Looking back I can see all of the perfectly laid plans, and the convictions, and drive to finish my counseling dream for what it is…

The next step.

That’s how everything I’ve done has been. It’s all just been the next step. God hasn’t shown me how each piece “ends” before it ends. He only shows me the next step and I chase it, knock it down, and I think I know exactly what it means for my future. Most the time, I don’t.

I don’t think I’d wish for it any other way. I trust in the plan. Thank goodness, too, because I don’t have the capacity for more than that.

For so long I didn’t understand that for what it was, and is. I thought there was a definite and “right” path. I thought that when I seemingly chose the wrong profession, path, friendship, etc. that I made the “wrong” choice. It was never about that. It was always about that decision being the next step. All of those “wrong” decisions taught me something about myself and the world around me and helped me in my next journey. It was never about getting it wrong. I’m not that important. My decisions aren’t that monumental. It was just about the next step, and with God at the helm, I’ll get there. I always do.