Tag: Enough (Page 1 of 2)

Chapter 28 (The Need to Explain)

June 4, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

Our society tells us who and how to be. We get signals from all over our world. Sometimes our parents tell us, point blank, how to act. Sometimes we get subtle cues from our friends. And for the past 30 years we’ve been getting visual clues from the internet world that surrounds us each and every day. Whether we resist or not, we are being told, CONSTANTLY, who we “should” be.

It’s exhausting.

A bigger house, a nicer paint job, a better car, a new uniform for our kids’ new sports bag, highlights for our hair, a more up to date kitchen, a more present friend, a more luxurious vacation for our facebook profile pictures, all of these things are constant expectations for all of us. It becomes a part of our budget, both for our money and our time.

One of my daughters got rid of her snapchat only because people could see where she was at all times. She often wanted to stay home just because she’s a laid back personality, but she wasn’t feeling like it was acceptable for her to just be home. She felt an expectation from her peers to be doing something. Anything that was public was acceptable, but it was even better if it made a good picture to post. She couldn’t take it anymore.

I can’t take it anymore, either.

A lot of people who know me would describe me as an extrovert. I’m outgoing, I LOVE people, I even own a concert venue and coffee shop! The very nature of the things I’ve created in this world are very social experiences. You might assume that I’m an extrovert, but even if I am, there is a piece of my soul that runs on peace and quiet. I crave alone time. I LOVE stillness.

For me that means no phones, no beeping, no buzzing, no tv, no music, just stillness. It soothes my soul. I can’t live my life without quiet moments like these.

I can’t have a moment or two of silence with my phone next to me, that doesn’t count. It feels as if I never felt the silence. It has to be truly silent with zero need to react to anyone or anything. I know it’s weird, but it’s required for me to be me.

If you can’t reach me by phone, or text, or carrier pigeon, it’s because I’m taking some alone time. Yes, I get made fun of ALOT for this. I’m deemed “the girl who never answers her phone, the girl who never calls me, the girl who never responds”.

I’m sorry for that, but really, I’m not.

It’s a choice I’ve made. It’s just the life I need to live or I can’t be the me that I’ve come to like. I’m sorry this is an inconvenience. I’m sorry if it hinders your life in some way, truly, I am sorry for that part. However, I can’t operate in my fullest capacity if I don’t. And my first priority from here on out is to be the person that God created me to be. Of course I don’t know exactly what that is, but I see it as my job to seek that clarification. I need silence for that.

I understand if you don’t feel loved by me when I don’t respond, but just know that, on my end it has nothing to do with that. Please know that I’m doing the best that I can with the knowledge I have to be the best version of myself that I can be. It has nothing to do with you, or how much you mean to me, or your value in my life.

I just want you to know that. It’s important to me that you know because you are a part of my story, and I care about you. I’m sorry that we live in a world where we feel like we have to qualify our down time.

Just know, you are valued by me no matter what my response rate is.

Chapter 24 (The Run)

May 7, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

My first three children were a much different experience for me than my last three. I had my first when I was 22 and my second and third followed quickly after. I had 3 kids…3 and under. It was something else.

At the time, Brad, my husband, was teaching and coaching. He would leave at 6:00am and usually come home around 6 if it was a practice day or 10 if it was a game day. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken care of 3 kids under three by yourself while also trying to run a photography business, but it’s not really all that easy.

There are much harder things in the world for sure, but these years in my life weren’t a cake walk. Not only were the day to day needs of 3 babies difficult to satisfy, but somewhere along the way, I forgot who I was apart from being a mother. My kids didn’t go to daycare at all, so every single part of my day was centered around them. For a while I was just trying to make it through the days. I was always so tired. I tried to nap when they napped, but if I did that, my house was a complete disaster 24/7. That added a level of “not enoughness” to my mental game as well. My business was always the thing that came last, and that was difficult for me to accept because my business was the only part left of the me that I recognized.

I had no friends, because I didn’t have time for friends, and my only conversation with an adult was my sister on the days that she spent with me and her 3 young children. We looked like we had a daycare when we would go on walks or to the mall. People would always say, “Wow. You guys have your hands full.”

I remember once when Brad arranged for a day all to ourselves. He got us Cardinals baseball tickets and asked my mom to watch our children. It was a great idea, in theory.

The only way I could perceive that at the time was that I was escaping for the day, but the break wasn’t able to “fix” anything in my overwhelmed brain. Now I LOVE Cardinals baseball, but escaping for the day, to be surrounded by thousands of other people wasn’t exactly what I needed. On top of that, I didn’t have any children attached to me, and it was taking me a while to decompress after we left them. There was also this thing running through my head that was telling me, if I was going to escape for the day, I wanted my husband to be the one taking care of our kids. Leaving them with someone else just felt like more pressure because they still weren’t getting to spend time with daddy.

Because of everything above, I had to have Brad pull over to the side of the interstate. I was having a major panic attack. When I have panic attacks, I have to run. I NEVER run. Running isn’t even a goal for me. I hate running. I’ve always hated running. But on this day, with this panic attack, all I could do was run. So…I ran along the interstate as far as I could go.

I tried to run away from myself and my body. I know it’s hard to believe, but it didn’t work. I just needed some peace. I needed a break from every thought running through me.

Eventually I got back in the vehicle. I think Brad probably thought I was crazy. I wouldn’t blame him. There’s just no way that I could explain it to him. It was too much to understand if you’ve never felt it. I know there are some momma’s out there who have experienced almost exactly the same thing.

To those mommas I would like to say, I get you. I believe in you. There are better days coming. Just kiss your babies and hold them even when you want to cry from overwhelm. Be still. You are not crazy. You are not weird. You have a place in this world. You are loved.

Young Callie, siblings, mom sitting on couch

Chapter 13 (The Breaking Point)

February 19, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

As a kid, my house was the house that everyone wanted to go to. My parents took kids home from school functions and made sure they had somewhere to go. My house was always available to anyone who needed it. My friends, and even just acquaintances, felt loved by my parents. My mom and dad did a really good job of that. I can recall several occasions where my friends would mention how they wished my parents could be their parents. They just loved kids well.

However, I learned from my mom that everyone has their breaking point.

On the way home from school one day, our van was filled with extra children like always. Several of our friends wanted a ride instead of walking the few blocks home that they normally did. With her usual grace, my mother said yes, and happily offered them all to pile in.

Then it happened…

The radio was playing Garth Brooks, Standing Outside the Fire, and one of the kids in the car made mention of the “retard” that was on the music video for this particular song.

Because my mom, and our family, was deep in the sorrow of trying to figure out the life and future of my brother, Jacob, she DID NOT appreciate the word, retard. It was the one word she wouldn’t tolerate. For her, the utter dismissal of a human being came through that word. She was so hurt by its connotation.

She stopped the van and to my sister and I’s utter humiliation, she asked him to get out.

Now, for my mom this kind of abrupt treatment of a kid was completely outside of the norm. He was confused and apologetic, but followed her instruction. He walked home that day. My sister and I understood immediately. And although we were a little embarrassed, we learned a valuable lesson that day.

Sometimes life is hard and whether or not others understand our reactions, we have them. Life can send us down a spiral that we need to escape from. Sometimes we can’t take another thing that hurts us. Sometimes we just have to separate ourselves from the pain.

And that’s ok.

It has to be. We can only do what we can do, and that is always enough. We are only human.

Chapter 12 (The Wheel)

February 12, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

One of my memories of Jake that is seared into my brain, involves me making myself smaller, almost non-existent actually.

My sister and I realized very quickly after he was diagnosed that if we were quieter and followed the rules a little better, then our parents wouldn’t be as stressed out by Jake. We thought that if we could be perfect, then maybe Jake wouldn’t be so difficult to handle. If we could keep our house calmer, then Jake’s outbursts would be the only “bad” thing they had to deal with.

We weren’t adults at the time, so we had no idea how many other stressors faced a parent with young kids.

Life is just hard. When you add relationships, work, finances, and anxiety to the mix it makes it even harder.

One time in particular I remember that the wheel fell off our van as we were driving down the interstate. The whole wheel! As I remember it, we skidded to a stop as our wheel bounced across lanes of traffic. It’s a miracle it didn’t cause an accident. We were totally fine, just a little shaken up. I remember being stopped next to a steep ditch. In my little kid brain, if I moved one way or the other, I could tip the van and we could fall to our death. I’m sure it wasn’t quite that extreme, but it sure was scary.

I’m sure my parents were freaking out. However, the only thing I remember with certainty is that they were both VERY quiet. Unusually quiet actually, and it kind of scared me. I realize now that it was probably because of Jake. They didn’t want to disturb his sense of calm. Anything out of the ordinary could be jolting to him.

I followed suit.

It’s the smallest I’ve ever made myself.

My sister and I sat almost perfectly still in the back seat. We didn’t ask any questions. We didn’t show our fear. We didn’t dare speak. We knew that we needed to be non-existent in order to keep Jake calm.

At the time, we thought we had it figured out. We thought that if we just did everything right and never messed up, then maybe our parents could deal with life a little easier. I never realized what this was teaching me about showing up in the world. For a long time, maybe even still, I immediately try to tamp down my experiences (both good and bad) down and fall easily into the role of playing small to become non-existent. I try to calm everything that “moves too fast” or seems “too noisy.”

It wasn’t until I was able to believe in Jesus that the pressure to control my life around me, left me. I finally realized that the life that happens to me, isn’t because of me or something that I’ve done. I can’t be perfect enough or even too perfect to be worthy. The importance of the experience leads me to believe and trust in God.

Man, that really changes things.

That idea changes my entire outlook on life. When I’m able to believe and trust, I’m able to see a world that doesn’t revolve around me and what happens in my life. When the focus and the purpose is to love Jesus, enjoy the peace He brings, and hopefully (with His help) allow other people to see Him through me, then life becomes a whole lot more meaningful.

If it’s not about me, I can live with the pain that life causes. Especially if it brings the kind of peace that truly sets me free.

Chapter 7 (The One)

January 8, 2025 / Callie Page / 2 Comments

As a part of the “not enoughness” feeling that I often carried with me throughout my life, I had this assumption that the “man of my dreams” would fix it. I imagined that he would fill those places that felt empty within me. I romanticized the thought of him being perfect, and I ached to meet him so that I could stop feeling so empty. So I searched. I prayed (to what i’m not sure, maybe the universe?). I thought about it daily. Honestly, probably most minutes of most days when I hit jr. high.

I dated a few boys in high school. I was pretty lucky, they were great boys. They all treated me very well and respected me. I couldn’t have asked for more.

None of them, however, were the missing piece. None of them were the link to my happiness that I so desperately needed them to be. They didn’t complete me. So I kept searching.

Years later, when I found my missing piece (more on that in a later post), I realized that the things I thought he was supposed to fix, he couldn’t. From the time I was too young to even understand, I had a need that hadn’t been filled.

The realization of Brad, my husband and missing piece, not being the answer to all of my “not enoughness” parts of myself was excruciating. I REALLY didn’t understand what I was supposed to do with this feeling of emptiness inside of me. I was so confused. He couldn’t have been more perfect for me. He couldn’t have done anything better. We couldn’t be better friends. He was my soulmate, and I knew that. How could that not be enough?

I was so confused and so hurt. This feeling led me to struggling for years in silence, because he was supposed to be all of my answers before I realized he couldn’t be.

I was back at square one.

I just wanted so desperately to feel full.

There’s much more to this story and it gets laid out later throughout the remaining blog posts. The important part of this part of the story for me was that I realized I had this initial need for someone to fix the parts of me that I couldn’t seem to fix myself.

My high school self was looking for “the one” because I just knew that would be my answer. Someone would fill that for me. I just had to find the right person.

Learning that wasn’t possible, was one of the most formative and difficult experiences of my life.

Years and years later I watched a video posted on social media by Will Smith talking about the very same thing that he walked through with his wife, Jada. It’s amazing how this need and feeling lives in all of us. It doesn’t matter if you are just a simple girl from the midwest or an international superstar, our human needs and desires seem to come back to one place.

We all just want to be loved unconditionally, understood, and cared about. We want to feel “full”. It’s human nature. And there is a larger reason for it. I’m grateful for the need because it makes this life bigger than us, and I’ve learned, none of us can fill it alone.