One of my memories of Jake that is seared into my brain, involves me making myself smaller, almost non-existent actually. 

My sister and I realized very quickly after he was diagnosed that if we were quieter and followed the rules a little better, then our parents wouldn’t be as stressed out by Jake. We thought that if we could be perfect, then maybe Jake wouldn’t be so difficult to handle. If we could keep our house calmer, then Jake’s outbursts would be the only “bad” thing they had to deal with. 

We weren’t adults at the time, so we had no idea how many other stressors faced a parent with young kids. 

Life is just hard. When you add relationships, work, finances, and anxiety to the mix it makes it even harder. 

One time in particular I remember that the wheel fell off our van as we were driving down the interstate. The whole wheel! As I remember it, we skidded to a stop as our wheel bounced across lanes of traffic. It’s a miracle it didn’t cause an accident. We were totally fine, just a little shaken up. I remember being stopped next to a steep ditch. In my little kid brain, if I moved one way or the other, I could tip the van and we could fall to our death. I’m sure it wasn’t quite that extreme, but it sure was scary. 

I’m sure my parents were freaking out. However, the only thing I remember with certainty is that they were both VERY quiet. Unusually quiet actually, and it kind of scared me. I realize now that it was probably because of Jake. They didn’t want to disturb his sense of calm. Anything out of the ordinary could be jolting to him. 

I followed suit. 

It’s the smallest I’ve ever made myself. 

My sister and I sat almost perfectly still in the back seat. We didn’t ask any questions. We didn’t show our fear. We didn’t dare speak. We knew that we needed to be non-existent in order to keep Jake calm. 

At the time, we thought we had it figured out. We thought that if we just did everything right and never messed up, then maybe our parents could deal with life a little easier. I never realized what this was teaching me about showing up in the world. For a long time, maybe even still, I immediately try to tamp down my experiences (both good and bad) down and fall easily into the role of playing small to become non-existent. I try to calm everything that “moves too fast” or seems “too noisy.” 

It wasn’t until I was able to believe in Jesus that the pressure to control my life around me, left me. I finally realized that the life that happens to me, isn’t because of me or something that I’ve done. I can’t be perfect enough or even too perfect to be worthy. The importance of the experience leads me to believe and trust in God. 

Man, that really changes things. 

That idea changes my entire outlook on life. When I’m able to believe and trust, I’m able to see a world that doesn’t revolve around me and what happens in my life. When the focus and the purpose is to love Jesus, enjoy the peace He brings, and hopefully (with His help) allow other people to see Him through me, then life becomes a whole lot more meaningful.

If it’s not about me, I can live with the pain that life causes. Especially if it brings the kind of peace that truly sets me free.