Losing a baby is hard. Hard isn’t the right word actually. I’m not sure there is a word that could do the feeling justice. Losing a baby is something I wish no one ever had to understand. 

I’ve had a couple of miscarriages over the years, and the pain from the miscarriages both physically and emotionally have left a scar. I have 6 children and I cherish each of them in their own unique way. Which means the way my heart works, the two that I lost will never be able to be discovered by me, and that hurts deeply. The way they laugh, or cuddle, or fight back, their favorite books or food, I’ll never know any of that about them. That hurts my heart. They needed to be known by their momma. 

The moment I found out about their existence in the world, I started making a place for them in my heart, my home, and our family. They already had an identity, and they couldn’t even really be seen on a screen yet. They were my babies. Just exactly like my other babies are my babies. How does a person let go of that? 

Maybe I don’t. Maybe that’s ok. 

One thing I thank God for is the ability to be a woman. Those babies don’t get to exist in the human world, but I was the person that God chose for them to be with for as long as they were here. I got to carry them, and love them, and make a place for them. He chose me for that. I’m so grateful that He chose me. 

Even though my heart hurts without them here, my joy is greater than my pain. They belonged to me and to God. I got to be a part of that equation. That makes me feel like I was special to them too even though I never got to tell them how much I cherished them. 

I had NONE of that peace and joy around my losses before I had Jesus in my life. There isn’t anything more difficult than going through those losses without faith. There just isn’t. The pain is magnified by 1000. 

To anyone who has to live in this kind of pain currently, I’m sorry. I love you.