When I was a kid my dad gave me the nickname, Dupe. This came from my most repeated phrase, “my dupe it”, which meant “I’ll do it.” This “I’ll do it” mentality lives in me still. For as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to show the world that I can do it. No matter what “it” is, I want to be able to say “I can.” 

My need to be independent and accomplish things on my own, make my own decisions, form my own opinions, and be respected for me and me alone, has been a cross that I’ve always had to bear. This is probably one of the reasons I kept the idea of a savior at arms length for so long.

My need to feel independent stems, in part, to my birth order as well. I am a middle child. I’ve always wanted to be a person who doesn’t need anything from anyone else because if I could do that, then when I love them, or want the best for them, or make a choice to have goodwill towards them, then it could be more pure. If I first needed something from someone else, then loving them back would feel a little more transactional. 

For some reason I’ve always wanted to show unconditional love. (I’ve never been very good at it, but I sure wanted to be.) I never wanted anyone else to think I had other motives. Hence the need to not need anyone else.

Wow. For all the psychologists and therapists out there reading this, how many years can you work with this train of thought?! 🙂

Anyway – 

Because this is a place I come from on a deep soul level, you might not be surprised to know that it’s very important to me that my children understand my need for them to chart their own course, make their own choices, and be independent of Brad and I’s influence. It’s a big part of our parenting style. 

My kids have voiced their opinion about the things that Brad and I could have done differently in our parenting over the years. One of the things that they wished we would have done more of is help them to make decisions. They’ve mentioned more than once that they wished we would just make choices for them when it came to them trying to decipher the “right thing to do.” We’ve honestly tried to stay out of it. 

We hear the stories about the friends, the boyfriends, the coaches, and teachers. We know what’s going on in their lives and how sometimes things get uncomfortable and sticky in their relationships, but we try to only listen and not to give directives. It’s so hard sometimes, especially when someone does something to hurt them or when they’re hurting someone else. It’s so very hard to sit there with our mouths shut, but we try to make it a priority. 

The funny thing is, they tend to be harder on themselves than we would be on them anyway. It tends to work out that way each time.

This “I’ll do it” mentality, although I’m not super proud of my stubbornness, created in me the need to allow our children to feel and navigate their independence. My opinions and decisions are meant for me, and I reap the consequences of my actions. I just want to make sure they get the same chance. 

It’s been a big part of my story.