Reclaimed Living

I love reading. I read everything I can, fiction, non fiction, instructional, inspirational, historical, etc. I read it all. If I wrote a blog about every impactful book I’ve read or idea that I’ve stumbled upon, you’d never be able to stop reading. There have been so many authors who’ve changed my life for the better. I’m grateful for their bravery and their heart. I know that no one is guaranteed success when they put their thoughts and opinions out into the world, and because I’ve realized that, it has made it even more special. 

There is one line that I simultaneously love as well as hate. When I read it, or am reminded of it, I sort of cringe and rejoice at the same time. It’s changed the way I look at everything. Here it is, are you ready for it? Don’t hate me, I’m just the messenger…

 “Your system is perfectly designed to give you the results you are getting.”

Yikes…and…yay! I wish there was an appropriate emoji to insert here. 

I’m not exactly sure who wrote that, or what book it was from, but it stopped me in my tracks and I refer back to it regularly. It hit me with a vengeance regarding our businesses and their lack of profit. Financially this statement was hard to take. Guilt, shame, annoyance because I’ve always felt like no one tries harder than we do; all of these things took center stage when I read that statement above. 

But these feelings also showed up in my mood at the time I was reading this. I hated the job that I had and dreaded every morning when I got up to go to work. At the time, I thought that’s just how life was. Everyone hated their job, and everyone kept doing it. That’s just the way the world worked. That was the “system”. That was the life I had to live. 

I had simultaneously sought peace and God as well as pushed the idea of that possibility away. I did that for 39 years all the while railing at the universe because I couldn’t find what I needed. I was lost, AND I was content by the feeling of being lost because it was all I had ever known. I was comfortable with my misery.

Don’t get me wrong here, there is absolutely NOTHING I could or can do about what happens to me in my life. I’m not saying that at all. However, I had chosen a system of reaction and it was failing me. I had chosen to be miserable. I had chosen to set up a system of lack. I did that. 

After I read the quoted line above, and chastised the author for her stupidity, I reluctantly sat with the idea that IF that was true, then I put myself in every position I was in. My misery was mine and mine alone. That hit harder than I wanted it to mainly because I thought I was trying hard enough. I thought I was doing all the “right” things. I never intended to make myself miserable, it just seemed to end up that way in several areas of my life.

When I look back at my life through that lens, I’m sorry I was so hard on myself. I was trying as hard as I could. I did think I was doing everything “right”. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know. That statement and that book sent me on a trajectory that caused me to become more aware of all of my life choices, and the role I had played in my current situation. Because of that one book, Brad & I started searching through other books that have set us on a path we are more comfortable with. Here are some of the game changers for us: The Slight Edge, Profit First, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry,  and Practicing the Way just to name a few. 

It’s been more than difficult for me to embrace everything I want in this life, while also being content right where I am. For me, letting go of all the expectations that I have had for my life, and giving them to God in a very REAL way, has set me free. At the end of the day, even though there are countless good reads, meditations, and relationships that can enlighten and propel us into the people we want to be, there’s really only been one true freedom from the anxiety that is this life. 

I used to hear people say things like that statement above, and wondered what motivated them to lie in such a bold way. I now understand those words in a way that only God could make me see. 

Just to further humiliate myself and tell you more of our money story, I’ll tell you one of our lowest moments financially. Now again, this isn’t something that I really want to share. This is painful, and difficult to admit but it’s another piece of my story and it has helped me to choose joy in the face of fear, and God has pushed me to write it. So here goes…

About 12 or 13 years ago, Brad and I were still living in Illinois and we were making the usual trek from Payson, IL to Smithton MO (both of our hometowns) for our Christmas traditions. We always spend a little time with Brad’s family through christmas eve night, drive home and then go to my parents house first thing in the morning. It’s a lot of driving but it’s one of our favorite traditions and we wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Potentially the best part for Brad and I is that we get a few hours in the car together, when the kids are asleep to reflect on the past year and look forward to the next. It leaves a warm, cozy feeling in my heart each and every time. Except for this one particular moment 13 years ago.

We came to the top of a hill in Columbia and stopped at a stoplight. We were discussing our money issues and trying to figure out how we were going to make it through the month. (Just to be clear, it wasn’t because of Christmas, we don’t even buy our kids gifts, it was just the inability to pay for life on a teachers salary.) When the light turned red we noticed a guy, standing on the side of the road, freezing, in the middle of the night, on Christmas Eve, with a cardboard sign. 

Now, no matter how you feel about that, imagine what that must have been like for him. There is NO part of me that wanted to change places with him. Even though we were struggling financially (I wasn’t clear on just how much at that very moment), I was sitting in my car, with my best friend and our 3 kids. I was warm, my belly was full, and we were headed home in the middle of the night just to be with as many people as we could on Christmas because we happen to have the gift of love in our lives. It didn’t appear that he had any of that. It broke my heart. 

Brad stopped, like he always does, opened his wallet and gave the man the last dollar he had. As soon as we drove away I said, “thanks for doing that.” He said, “I wish I could have given him more but that was the last dollar I had.” We talked about that for a minute, and I realized that he really meant THE LAST DOLLAR. We didn’t have any money in our checking accounts, we had maxed out the credit card we had, and had no more cash. There was the added pressure of the fact that we had an hour and half left to drive and we only had a half a tank of gas. 

This was a moment that could have sent both of us down a spiral of worry and fear, but if there is one thing that I’ve learned from Brad, it’s that nothing in this life is important enough to steal a person’s joy. I’ll make a point here, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get stressed or fearful, sad, or have feelings of defeat, it just means that no matter what happens he has a well of joy inside of him, untouched by worldly experiences. 

So what did he do as we were pulling away? 

He started laughing. 

Yep, laughing. In fact, he was laughing so hard, it made me laugh. We almost couldn’t catch our breath. We couldn’t believe the irony. 

It’s a moment that I will never forget. 

That day was another glimpse into that world of untouchable joy, for me. I’ve seen that resiliency several times throughout my life from several people, but until a couple years ago, I didn’t understand it. 

Nothing and no one, in this earthly life, has the power to steal the joy inside of some people. It’s other-wordly. Sadness, depression and fear creep in, but they are no match for real Joy. If you don’t understand that on a very unexplainable level, I hope that someday, you are able to. It took me quite a while, but thank Goodness it came to me eventually.