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Chapter 20 (The Losing of Life)

April 9, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

Losing a baby is hard. Hard isn’t the right word actually. I’m not sure there is a word that could do the feeling justice. Losing a baby is something I wish no one ever had to understand.

I’ve had a couple of miscarriages over the years, and the pain from the miscarriages both physically and emotionally have left a scar. I have 6 children and I cherish each of them in their own unique way. Which means the way my heart works, the two that I lost will never be able to be discovered by me, and that hurts deeply. The way they laugh, or cuddle, or fight back, their favorite books or food, I’ll never know any of that about them. That hurts my heart. They needed to be known by their momma.

The moment I found out about their existence in the world, I started making a place for them in my heart, my home, and our family. They already had an identity, and they couldn’t even really be seen on a screen yet. They were my babies. Just exactly like my other babies are my babies. How does a person let go of that?

Maybe I don’t. Maybe that’s ok.

One thing I thank God for is the ability to be a woman. Those babies don’t get to exist in the human world, but I was the person that God chose for them to be with for as long as they were here. I got to carry them, and love them, and make a place for them. He chose me for that. I’m so grateful that He chose me.

Even though my heart hurts without them here, my joy is greater than my pain. They belonged to me and to God. I got to be a part of that equation. That makes me feel like I was special to them too even though I never got to tell them how much I cherished them.

I had NONE of that peace and joy around my losses before I had Jesus in my life. There isn’t anything more difficult than going through those losses without faith. There just isn’t. The pain is magnified by 1000.

To anyone who has to live in this kind of pain currently, I’m sorry. I love you.

Chapter 19 (The “Dupe” It Mentality)

April 2, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

When I was a kid my dad gave me the nickname, Dupe. This came from my most repeated phrase, “my dupe it”, which meant “I’ll do it.” This “I’ll do it” mentality lives in me still. For as long as I can remember I’ve been trying to show the world that I can do it. No matter what “it” is, I want to be able to say “I can.”

My need to be independent and accomplish things on my own, make my own decisions, form my own opinions, and be respected for me and me alone, has been a cross that I’ve always had to bear. This is probably one of the reasons I kept the idea of a savior at arms length for so long.

My need to feel independent stems, in part, to my birth order as well. I am a middle child. I’ve always wanted to be a person who doesn’t need anything from anyone else because if I could do that, then when I love them, or want the best for them, or make a choice to have goodwill towards them, then it could be more pure. If I first needed something from someone else, then loving them back would feel a little more transactional.

For some reason I’ve always wanted to show unconditional love. (I’ve never been very good at it, but I sure wanted to be.) I never wanted anyone else to think I had other motives. Hence the need to not need anyone else.

Wow. For all the psychologists and therapists out there reading this, how many years can you work with this train of thought?!

Anyway –

Because this is a place I come from on a deep soul level, you might not be surprised to know that it’s very important to me that my children understand my need for them to chart their own course, make their own choices, and be independent of Brad and I’s influence. It’s a big part of our parenting style.

My kids have voiced their opinion about the things that Brad and I could have done differently in our parenting over the years. One of the things that they wished we would have done more of is help them to make decisions. They’ve mentioned more than once that they wished we would just make choices for them when it came to them trying to decipher the “right thing to do.” We’ve honestly tried to stay out of it.

We hear the stories about the friends, the boyfriends, the coaches, and teachers. We know what’s going on in their lives and how sometimes things get uncomfortable and sticky in their relationships, but we try to only listen and not to give directives. It’s so hard sometimes, especially when someone does something to hurt them or when they’re hurting someone else. It’s so very hard to sit there with our mouths shut, but we try to make it a priority.

The funny thing is, they tend to be harder on themselves than we would be on them anyway. It tends to work out that way each time.

This “I’ll do it” mentality, although I’m not super proud of my stubbornness, created in me the need to allow our children to feel and navigate their independence. My opinions and decisions are meant for me, and I reap the consequences of my actions. I just want to make sure they get the same chance.

It’s been a big part of my story.

Chapter 18 (The M-I-L)

March 26, 2025 / Callie Page / 2 Comments

So my mother-in-law is an incredible human. She will probably be embarrassed by the fact that I’m going to write this whole blog post about her, but I’m going to do it anyway. She has taught me one of the most important lessons of all…unconditional love.

You know how most people roll their eyes when the word “mother in law” is spoken? Well, not me. I have no idea how or why I was so stinking lucky, but that woman is one of the coolest people I know.

I’ve told you that her family is amazing, and their love is all encompassing, but I haven’t told you that she is the oldest of the 6 siblings that make up that family. Her parents, GG and Grandpa GG, are two of the most influential people not just for their children, but for many many people they may not know that they’ve touched. They were a strong presence in my life while they were here, and their daughter, Linda, carries that influence in the loving ways that they always did.

I just recently realized that I had a front row seat to some of the most forgiving and fulfilling love that a person can bestow upon another person.

You see, her son, her ONLY son, married a girl that was an outspoken atheist and that directly conflicted with the single most important part of her life. Jesus.

Furthermore, I was raising her grandchildren!

Most grandparents know how precious grandchildren are, and how grandparents want only the best for their grandchildren. Here I was, raising her most precious gifts from God in a home where their mother didn’t understand or appreciate her number one priority.

You know what she did with that knowledge for over 20 years?

She loved me.

She never once told me what I “should” do or how I “should” act. She never made me feel guilty or less than for anything at all. She never made suggestions as to how to raise her grandchildren. She never asked me to believe in God, or honor her religion.

In fact, even when I would, point blank, ask her a question and want her opinion on raising her grandchildren, she would just say, “oh Callie. I think you’re doing great.”

She’s ALWAYS had a smile, a hug, an ear, and an open kitchen table for me. She was and still is a reservoir of a human. Yes, I said, reservoir. Think about that word, and you’ll understand exactly the kind of person she is.

About a year ago, when I was in the first few months of being able to believe in God, I had so many new emotions and concepts to think through. I realized what she has always been in my life, and I thanked her for her genuine kindness, patience, and unconditional love.

It was when I was thanking her that I realized the gravity of true Love. Her firm foundation in the love of Jesus, has always been her greatest strength. Her love for me was a direct result of her love for Jesus. He has made her the person I’ve always longed to be.

…And He gave me her as a mother-in-law…

That gift is not lost on me.

I thank Him everyday for her.

Chapter 17 (The Frazees)

March 19, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

I remember throwing a fit in the car as a full grown adult. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I remember it with clarity. I had two babies in the back seat sleeping driving home from a family reunion with the Frazees. The Frazee family, which I will talk about later, is Brad’s mother’s side of the family. They are a special group of people. If I had not had them in my life, I’m not sure who I’d be.

Back to the fit.

I was sad because I had to go back to my reality after leaving one of the most life giving experiences of my life. Each time we would get together with the Frazee family, I would leave in a sad state. It would quickly turn into anger. Anger, because there was so much joy to be had when I was with them, but when I had to go back to normal life I couldn’t find that joy.

They had something special and I could feel it, I just didn’t know what it was at the time.

I remember crying incessantly to Brad about why I couldn’t seem to feel that good when I wasn’t around them. I thought, several times, that maybe we should move to be closer to them. He stayed quiet throughout my rant. He said nothing, as was his normal approach with me. But this particular day I couldn’t take it. I flat out asked him, “what was I missing? Why am I miserable in our day to day life?”

He was quiet in his response, but crystal clear with his words. “Cal, they have Jesus. That’s what you’re feeling. You’re feeling the joy that comes from that.”

Well, that made me even more mad. I convinced myself that I was going to fake believing in God, because if it brought people that much joy, then I was willing to lie too.

As you may be able to guess, that didn’t work either.

So after months of trying that failed attempt at happiness, my social anxiety returned. My depression slipped a little further down the hole. I would live for the weekends when Brad was home and we could spend time alone together with only our two children. That seemed to be the only time I could feel joy.

I kept fighting what I didn’t understand.

I soaked up every moment that I could feel real true love and joy with the Frazee family and looked forward to those times with all of my heart. I just wished and hoped that some day I would be able to emulate the joy they so freely gave to me.

It was coming, I just didn’t know that at the time.

Brad and Callie in College hugging cheek to cheek

Chapter 16 (The “Guy”)

March 12, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

I met Brad in college. He was a senior and I was a sophomore. We had a small campus and I always knew who he was but never really talked to him. He had been dating a girl for a long time and everyone told me that he was “basically married”. My friends were adamant that I find someone to date, though, and after several failed suggestions, they decided they were going to see if he was available.

Turns out, he was.

The first time I ever really talked to Brad was at a halloween party in his fraternity house. He was kind of shy and approached me with a Halloween mask on. Although I totally knew it was him, he introduced himself as “guy” and asked me if I wanted a cherry blow pop. He made me laugh. I should have known from that moment on, I would spend the next 20 years of my life with a guy who thought he was funny…

Somehow he won me over. I think it must have been that cherry blow pop. I always did like candy. Lucky for him, it was halloween, and he had some. 😉

On the first date he told me I was beautiful. It might have just been a line, but it was a good one. I had never heard those words before and somehow they meant so much. I still carry that moment with me.

Although our relationship is special to me for many reasons, the most special thing was definitely how he handled my declaration of being an atheist.

20 years ago I was a lot louder and more opinionated. I’ve always loved people well, always at an arm’s length as to not get hurt, but still, loved them- deeply. I could also fight anyone about religion and God at any time. My defensiveness was worn like armor. I liked to be heard and had no problem having hard conversations.

Brad was unphased.

Most people found some way to combat what I had to say. Most people took a lot of time trying to talk me into coming around to their way of thinking. He didn’t. He quietly listened, and his love for me was not shaken. I could visibly see that.

His ability to be unshaken actually caught me off guard at first, and I came back even stronger. I think there was a part of me that tried to push him away. He was too good to be true, and I wasn’t about to let ANYONE crush me.

I found myself giving him my whole heart and that was scary.

He taught me that loving someone is terrifying. Really, truly loving them unconditionally takes a whole lot of faith. Because I had no idea where to put my faith at the time, I put my faith in Brad, and because of that, I started to feel wholly dependent on how he felt about me. It was a slippery slope.

He quietly and calmly waded through that with me as well. He understood from the moment we met that he couldn’t put all of his faith in me. He had a relationship with God and that is where he found his self worth and confidence. His faith allowed him to be patient with me. His understanding of love made loving easier for him. He didn’t guard his heart with anyone. Instead, he wore his heart on his sleeve and understood that no matter what society’s reaction to him, he would continue to be confident in who he was. In that way, he is still exactly the same as the day I met him.

I didn’t know this at the beginning, but he was only able to do that because he had his faith in something much stronger than I even knew existed. I wasn’t able to grasp what he was grasping for many, many years of our marriage.

God knew exactly what He was doing when He created Brad. He also knew exactly what He was giving to me when I met him in college for the first time. It has all been orchestrated from the very beginning. It was all leading to one place, for one purpose.

At the time, I had no idea that I was following along the path laid out for me.

This song is written by Brad after a comment from me about him forgetting our life due to his family history of Alzheimer’s disease. The first verse references the content of this blog post. It can be purchased at the following link:

https://music.apple.com/us/album/let-go/1170978246?i=1170978273

Reclaimed Living