My older sister was always someone who I looked up to with so much admiration. She was and is beautiful, smart, loved by our whole town, and a teacher’s favorite. I was happy to be her sister, but sometimes I would spend my time comparing how wonderful she was to how average I was.

As a kid, the comparison was strong. Sometimes it’s all I could see. I envied her, but I never tried to compete with her. I knew that she was good and loved and special. I didn’t ever think that wasn’t the case. I was never jealous. I was always proud of her. 

I never tried to “beat” her at being great. I just gladly took second place. I stood behind her. I let her shine. I tried to take on her persona in an effort to be “better”. I tried to feel and emote the same way she did. I tried to emulate her interactions with others. I tried to be the most like her that I could but was completely satisfied with being second best. She deserved all the greatness.

Here’s where it gets crazy. 

This rendition of our childhood is not at all how she saw it. We’ve had conversations about who we are and were in the world, and it looks very different than what the other person thought. It’s almost funny how different the perspectives are. 

When I realized this, the idea of “no one is looking at you as much as you are” really became real for me. 

I know that you’ve heard the sentiment of “don’t worry about yourself so much, no one else is.” Everyone is just worried about themselves and how to keep themselves on track. It’s a popular thought, but we seem to forget it in everyday life. She was thinking about how she showed up in the world, and I was only thinking about how I showed up in the world. When we had a conversation about it, the experience was incredibly illuminating for me.

It’s too bad for humanity that we can’t get past ourselves, but it’s also freeing to know that our only responsibility is our own selves. (If you’re a parent, you know that’s not completely true for about 18 years, but at the core of our existence, it is.) I guess it’s humbling to know that we are supposed to be on this journey of self discovery.

Comparison and judgment is futile. Fear of not being enough is useless. Worrying about what will come for us tomorrow is pointless. We couldn’t control any of that if we tried. All we can do is love and then love, and then love some more. Everything else becomes unimportant.

It only took me 39 years to learn this. I’m a slow learner, but eventually I got there.