Tag: life (Page 3 of 4)

Chapter 28 (The Need to Explain)

June 4, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

Our society tells us who and how to be. We get signals from all over our world. Sometimes our parents tell us, point blank, how to act. Sometimes we get subtle cues from our friends. And for the past 30 years we’ve been getting visual clues from the internet world that surrounds us each and every day. Whether we resist or not, we are being told, CONSTANTLY, who we “should” be.

It’s exhausting.

A bigger house, a nicer paint job, a better car, a new uniform for our kids’ new sports bag, highlights for our hair, a more up to date kitchen, a more present friend, a more luxurious vacation for our facebook profile pictures, all of these things are constant expectations for all of us. It becomes a part of our budget, both for our money and our time.

One of my daughters got rid of her snapchat only because people could see where she was at all times. She often wanted to stay home just because she’s a laid back personality, but she wasn’t feeling like it was acceptable for her to just be home. She felt an expectation from her peers to be doing something. Anything that was public was acceptable, but it was even better if it made a good picture to post. She couldn’t take it anymore.

I can’t take it anymore, either.

A lot of people who know me would describe me as an extrovert. I’m outgoing, I LOVE people, I even own a concert venue and coffee shop! The very nature of the things I’ve created in this world are very social experiences. You might assume that I’m an extrovert, but even if I am, there is a piece of my soul that runs on peace and quiet. I crave alone time. I LOVE stillness.

For me that means no phones, no beeping, no buzzing, no tv, no music, just stillness. It soothes my soul. I can’t live my life without quiet moments like these.

I can’t have a moment or two of silence with my phone next to me, that doesn’t count. It feels as if I never felt the silence. It has to be truly silent with zero need to react to anyone or anything. I know it’s weird, but it’s required for me to be me.

If you can’t reach me by phone, or text, or carrier pigeon, it’s because I’m taking some alone time. Yes, I get made fun of ALOT for this. I’m deemed “the girl who never answers her phone, the girl who never calls me, the girl who never responds”.

I’m sorry for that, but really, I’m not.

It’s a choice I’ve made. It’s just the life I need to live or I can’t be the me that I’ve come to like. I’m sorry this is an inconvenience. I’m sorry if it hinders your life in some way, truly, I am sorry for that part. However, I can’t operate in my fullest capacity if I don’t. And my first priority from here on out is to be the person that God created me to be. Of course I don’t know exactly what that is, but I see it as my job to seek that clarification. I need silence for that.

I understand if you don’t feel loved by me when I don’t respond, but just know that, on my end it has nothing to do with that. Please know that I’m doing the best that I can with the knowledge I have to be the best version of myself that I can be. It has nothing to do with you, or how much you mean to me, or your value in my life.

I just want you to know that. It’s important to me that you know because you are a part of my story, and I care about you. I’m sorry that we live in a world where we feel like we have to qualify our down time.

Just know, you are valued by me no matter what my response rate is.

Chapter 27 (The Influence)

May 28, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

Oh the perils of social media. And yes, I do understand that you are probably consuming this content because of social media. The irony is real.

Much like the topic of parenting, I could write 100 blogs about social media and the influence it has on all of us, but I’m hoping this blog isn’t that. I’m hoping this blog post illustrates a reality for me currently that is adding to the story of my life and how I’m experiencing it.

My 17 year old daughter just told me about “sephora girls”. Have you seen that trend? The premise, I guess, is 10-12 year old girls making Tik Toks about going to sephora, having all the “cool” things that they’ve accumulated and then basically showing the world that they have them.

My heart hurts when I think of this.

What were you doing when you were 10? If you are 40 something or even older than that, I could probably guess what you were doing. You were playing outside. You were playing with the neighborhood kids or doing chores or riding your bike. And during the winter you were watching a sitcom or reading a book or trying to pass the time with a board game.

We would have been doing these things not because we are the greatest generation or because we didn’t get on social media and rot away our brains, we did these things because WE DIDN’T HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE TEMPTED BY ANYTHING ELSE.

We can’t act superior to the younger generation. It’s not their fault that these technological advances exist. It’s ours. Our generation created this thing that we can’t let go of. We created this crutch we can’t live without.

It has affected them.

First and foremost, I’m sorry. Secondly, what are we going to do?

The reason that this trend was brought to my attention is because my daughter was discussing the “sephora girls”, and feeling really guilty and sad about her role in it. She was in a sort of panic that her “hauls” on instagram or the videos she consumed of her generation showing the world all of the material things they have, had led to young kids spending all their time and attention on becoming like the “big girls”. She was mortified. She was almost in tears.

This is why this experience affects my story…

As a mom, I want to tell her that life is more than material things and status. I want to tell her that the mistakes my generation made with her generation and how that will hopefully be undone with the next generation. I want to tell her that everyone will find something other than material goods and societal acceptance to base their life on. I want to say that phones and social media will become less and less important because we will eventually focus on what matters about this life, and that there is something much deeper and more important to fill your soul with.

I want to tell her all of these things. I want to reassure her. But…I spent 39 years of my life chasing the same material things and status. I’ll always be the mom she knew (before I knew Jesus, and thus, the meaning of life), as well as the mom she knows now.

I’ve messed up. I didn’t intend to, but I did just the same. There’s only one thing I can do at this point to reverse some of the damage I’ve caused.

I must live differently.

Chapter 21 (The Other Possibility)

April 16, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

When I was a sophomore in college I had to do an internship over Christmas break at a child behavioral center in Des Moines, IA. I was currently going to school in Canton MO. The distance between the two is around 200 miles.

When I called to tell my parents that I would be doing this internship, my mom immediately said, “well dad and I will buy you a plane ticket so that you can fly there and not have to worry about driving all that way.”

At the time we didn’t have GPS on our phones. I would have had to read a map, and navigate on my own across a couple states in places I’ve never been. I’m not sure it would have been a good experience for me to struggle through that without a cell phone, but at the time, I really thought I should have been old enough to try.

I’m 100% aware that my parents didn’t mean any harm when they suggested that I fly, but it felt like they were saying that they didn’t trust me and that I wasn’t smart enough or capable enough to figure it out. That’s the way I had interpreted it anyway. They just bought me the ticket and took me to the airport.

For over 20 years, I equated their buying of the plane ticket with them not having any confidence in me. Just recently, while sitting in Hawaii with some of my friends sipping coffee in the cool hours of the morning, I was able to let go of that interpretation of that experience.

My friend, Brandi, said, after she heard the story, “Callie, that’s not how I see that at all. I think your parents meant nothing more than they didn’t want you to have to be nervous about driving all that way, and that they could fix that for you with a plane ticket.”

I know it sounds crazy, but her interpretation of that set me free. I had never thought of it in that light. Brandi couldn’t believe that I had seen it any other way. That’s the only way that she was able to see it. And for me, there was no other reality other than the way I had been viewing for the previous 20 years.

The realization of my potential misinterpretation of that event, changed so much for me. I started thinking of all of the experiences of my life and my assumptions about how others felt in those stories.

I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to assume that I knew everything about everyone’s actions and motivations anymore. Most of us hope that we aren’t that way, but think back to the last time you were upset at someone else. Is it possible that the other person didn’t have the intention that you assumed they had? Is it possible that the whole situation came from something they were dealing with and had nothing to do with you? Is it possible that they said/did those things because they assumed that you wanted them to? Is it possible that there was no malicious thought at all? Is it possible?

I now think it’s always a possibility.

There’s a shirt in our store that may be one of my favorite ideas because of exactly this. The shirt is a simple 3 dots on the front for the points of ellipses, and the back says, “There’s Always More.” This little card comes with every shirt. It’s my reminder of who I want to be…

Chapter 20 (The Losing of Life)

April 9, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

Losing a baby is hard. Hard isn’t the right word actually. I’m not sure there is a word that could do the feeling justice. Losing a baby is something I wish no one ever had to understand.

I’ve had a couple of miscarriages over the years, and the pain from the miscarriages both physically and emotionally have left a scar. I have 6 children and I cherish each of them in their own unique way. Which means the way my heart works, the two that I lost will never be able to be discovered by me, and that hurts deeply. The way they laugh, or cuddle, or fight back, their favorite books or food, I’ll never know any of that about them. That hurts my heart. They needed to be known by their momma.

The moment I found out about their existence in the world, I started making a place for them in my heart, my home, and our family. They already had an identity, and they couldn’t even really be seen on a screen yet. They were my babies. Just exactly like my other babies are my babies. How does a person let go of that?

Maybe I don’t. Maybe that’s ok.

One thing I thank God for is the ability to be a woman. Those babies don’t get to exist in the human world, but I was the person that God chose for them to be with for as long as they were here. I got to carry them, and love them, and make a place for them. He chose me for that. I’m so grateful that He chose me.

Even though my heart hurts without them here, my joy is greater than my pain. They belonged to me and to God. I got to be a part of that equation. That makes me feel like I was special to them too even though I never got to tell them how much I cherished them.

I had NONE of that peace and joy around my losses before I had Jesus in my life. There isn’t anything more difficult than going through those losses without faith. There just isn’t. The pain is magnified by 1000.

To anyone who has to live in this kind of pain currently, I’m sorry. I love you.

Chapter 17 (The Frazees)

March 19, 2025 / Callie Page / 0 Comments

I remember throwing a fit in the car as a full grown adult. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I remember it with clarity. I had two babies in the back seat sleeping driving home from a family reunion with the Frazees. The Frazee family, which I will talk about later, is Brad’s mother’s side of the family. They are a special group of people. If I had not had them in my life, I’m not sure who I’d be.

Back to the fit.

I was sad because I had to go back to my reality after leaving one of the most life giving experiences of my life. Each time we would get together with the Frazee family, I would leave in a sad state. It would quickly turn into anger. Anger, because there was so much joy to be had when I was with them, but when I had to go back to normal life I couldn’t find that joy.

They had something special and I could feel it, I just didn’t know what it was at the time.

I remember crying incessantly to Brad about why I couldn’t seem to feel that good when I wasn’t around them. I thought, several times, that maybe we should move to be closer to them. He stayed quiet throughout my rant. He said nothing, as was his normal approach with me. But this particular day I couldn’t take it. I flat out asked him, “what was I missing? Why am I miserable in our day to day life?”

He was quiet in his response, but crystal clear with his words. “Cal, they have Jesus. That’s what you’re feeling. You’re feeling the joy that comes from that.”

Well, that made me even more mad. I convinced myself that I was going to fake believing in God, because if it brought people that much joy, then I was willing to lie too.

As you may be able to guess, that didn’t work either.

So after months of trying that failed attempt at happiness, my social anxiety returned. My depression slipped a little further down the hole. I would live for the weekends when Brad was home and we could spend time alone together with only our two children. That seemed to be the only time I could feel joy.

I kept fighting what I didn’t understand.

I soaked up every moment that I could feel real true love and joy with the Frazee family and looked forward to those times with all of my heart. I just wished and hoped that some day I would be able to emulate the joy they so freely gave to me.

It was coming, I just didn’t know that at the time.