I remember throwing a fit in the car as a full grown adult. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I remember it with clarity. I had two babies in the back seat sleeping driving home from a family reunion with the Frazees. The Frazee family, which I will talk about later, is Brad’s mother’s side of the family. They are a special group of people. If I had not had them in my life, I’m not sure who I’d be. 

Back to the fit.

I was sad because I had to go back to my reality after leaving one of the most life giving experiences of my life. Each time we would get together with the Frazee family, I would leave in a sad state. It would quickly turn into anger. Anger, because there was so much joy to be had when I was with them, but when I had to go back to normal life I couldn’t find that joy. 

They had something special and I could feel it, I just didn’t know what it was at the time. 

I remember crying incessantly to Brad about why I couldn’t seem to feel that good when I wasn’t around them. I thought, several times, that maybe we should move to be closer to them. He stayed quiet throughout my rant. He said nothing, as was his normal approach with me.  But this particular day I couldn’t take it. I flat out asked him, “what was I missing? Why am I miserable in our day to day life?” 

He was quiet in his response, but crystal clear with his words. “Cal, they have Jesus. That’s what you’re feeling. You’re feeling the joy that comes from that.”

Well, that made me even more mad. I convinced myself that I was going to fake believing in God, because if it brought people that much joy, then I was willing to lie too. 

As you may be able to guess, that didn’t work either. 

So after months of trying that failed attempt at happiness, my social anxiety returned. My depression slipped a little further down the hole. I would live for the weekends when Brad was home and we could spend time alone together with only our two children. That seemed to be the only time I could feel joy. 

I kept fighting what I didn’t understand. 

I soaked up every moment that I could feel real true love and joy with the Frazee family and looked forward to those times with all of my heart. I just wished and hoped that some day I would be able to emulate the joy they so freely gave to me. 

It was coming, I just didn’t know that at the time.