Chapter 6 (The Game)

I’ve always been a very passionate person. Sometimes I like this quality about myself, and other times it can be a bit ridiculous. Nevertheless, I think I was given this quality for reasons that I don’t even fully know about yet. The reason I say that is because I’ve already seen the fruits of that thus far in certain areas of my life.

I remember in high school a weeknight softball game was canceled because of the rain, and I was devastated. And yes, I actually mean, devastated. I went to my room and cried after school because I wanted to play so badly. I LOVED softball. It was an obsession for me. However, to be fair, everything I did was an obsession for me. When I love something, I go all in. 150%.

I do realize that it’s a bit silly to cry over a missed game, but that’s the only emotion I could feel at the time. I knew, even then, that it was an immature thing to do, but I was so caught up in the feeling of playing, I forgot about everything else.

I do that still.

When I pour my heart into something, I get tunnel vision. I can’t even imagine a way that it could go other than the way I created it in my head. I only imagine one scenario. And because I am a notoriously optimistic person, my way is always slightly more positive than the reality. So, I tend to enjoy things on a deep level.

Even with parenting I imagined the situation slightly different than it has gone. Sleepless nights? That wasn’t going to happen to me. Business? Well, I’ll just open the thing, and money will flow in.

Like I mentioned earlier MOST of the time the optimism and obsession with my current situation has been a blessing. It makes me get up in the morning and expect my best. It makes it a little easier for me to take the next step, whatever that might be at the time. It shows me a world in which most things are good. It keeps me in a positive state of mind. I need it. Maybe, more than air sometimes. I’m grateful I have that quality, but sometimes…it gets me into trouble.

Obsessions have two sides to them. The difficult part is when I can’t let go of something that I know I need to let go of. I may hold onto dreams a little longer than I should. I create expectations of others when I don’t have the right to, including my own children. When I have a plan for my kids’ life in my brain, and they don’t take the same steps I’ve imagined, I have to go through a process of letting go. When Brad sees something different than I do, I have a hard
time letting go of my vision. I forget that we don’t necessarily need to agree.

The whole experience is a constant reminder to me that I only get to control my own response to the world. I do not ever get to control what others decide to do. And thank goodness for that, because that means that I get to choose my path, even if someone else doesn’t choose the way I do. The way I see things is up to me, and me alone.