I had a pretty sheltered childhood. My parents loved each other. They taught me wrong from right. We had a lot of support from friends and family. I’ve always felt loved.
My first experience with the opposite of that was in 5th grade. There was this 6th grade boy, out on the playground, that called my brother a retard.
My brother is autistic and he was certainly different from anyone else in my school, so it was not uncommon for people to talk about him. The shock came when I realized that hate and dismissal was also going to be present in my life, because of him.
I hadn’t thought, up until that point, that anyone would ever be mean to me. It’s not that I didn’t know it existed, it was just that I didn’t think it was meant for me.
The gut punch was real.
I didn’t know how bad it hurt to be put on the outside of the “inside”, if that makes sense. I immediately felt aware of my shortcomings and the things that made me different. I DID have a brother that was autistic, and maybe he was what that kid said he was.
So what does that mean for me?
Does that make me less? I started questioning everything. My bubble was broken. I was no longer perfect. I had to make up for that imperfection. So I got to work. I started caring about clothes, and who I hung out with. Were they cool enough? Were they athletic enough? Was I smart enough? Was I nice enough?
I started practicing all of the sports I had loved, for the sake of loving up until that point, with a different endgame in mind. I needed to stand out. I needed to be “good” in some way that was noticeable to others. I needed to make up for the fact that my brother was different. If I could do that, then maybe I could mask the pain for him and for myself.
I know we all go through something similar to this in our lives. I know the valley creates the human, but I hadn’t thought about the ramifications of these lessons in our personalities.
For example, BECAUSE I can feel this story on every level, I have intense reactions to things related to “not enoughness”. At this point, for me, the physical reaction I have when I see a person being ostracized feels overwhelming, and almost innate. Now, I know it isn’t, but it feels like it could be, and that’s the point.
If I’m not very aware of how I feel about something, and where it comes from, then my reactions to you might not be what I would choose them to be. I have to always be aware of the fact that we all come into relationships with our own set of stories. It’s of the utmost importance to me that I learn how my backstories affect my reactions because I don’t want to react to you in a way that feels innate. I want to react to you, in a way that I CHOOSE.
It’s a discipline. It’s a practice. I’m not perfect. I screw it up a lot of the time, but I am trying.
