Compassion. It’s an interesting thing, some people have it, some people really don’t have much of it. It seems like it’s not something that can be taught, but maybe observing it is the most impactful way to learn it? I don’t know. It’s a concept that is a little more cumbersome to explain. There are several parts to it.
The first time I realized that compassion was going to be a blessing and a curse for me was when my grandpa and uncle were hunting at my house.
Yes, I’m one of those people who hate seeing death in any capacity, however, I do understand it differently as an adult. At that time though, I was probably 12 or 13 and seeing a gutted, strung up deer carcass on my tree outside my house hit me a little harder than it probably should have.
My first thought was “oh that poor deer never gets to see its mom again.” “It probably left behind a wife or a girlfriend. They are probably looking for him right now, and they’ll never find him.” I personified a deer. And then I stood there for 20 minutes sobbing uncontrollably because of the pain the deer family would have to go through. Yes, I realize now how ridiculous that was, but at the time, it was all consuming in my brain.
My heart broke for the family of that deer.
My heart broke for anyone, at any time, that experienced any kind of trauma or pain. For many, many years I couldn’t move past the sorrow. In some ways, I still can’t. I’ve had to learn how to use that compassion to the best of my ability.
It’s probably ok to let go of one less deer in the world, but it’s also ok for me to feel things a little deeper than what’s socially acceptable. So if I see you in the crowd, and ask you a question about your life, just know I genuinely care about your answer. And chances are, I’ll keep that response with me throughout my day. I will hurt for you, or smile for you, whatever the case may be. I will keep it with me for some time.
Throughout my life I’ve been told that those reactions aren’t acceptable and are considered naive and ideal. For example, in the mental health world, when I was working as a counselor, I was advised several times to “not get too close”. I was warned away from crying over a situation I heard about that day. And although I understand the reasoning behind this, I couldn’t change my natural reaction. I couldn’t change it only because I realized I didn’t want to. Instead of changing, I removed myself from the industry. I had to.
I think sometimes in life, we find ourselves being told by a societal norm that we need to conform in order to follow protocol or to do things the “right” way, and even though rules need to be had, there comes a point in time when you have to decide for yourself if you’re willing to make that concession. In my case, changing that piece of me would have been something that changed the fabric of who I want to be. And that wasn’t worth it for me.
I choose now to look at that compassion quality as a strength and not a weakness, and that has made all the difference.
