Speech and writing class in high school was an absolute joy for me. I understand that those sorts of classes aren’t everyone’s favorite, but man, I loved it. Debate speeches were probably at the top of my list when it came to enjoying an assignment. I loved debate in general, but when I had a group of kids forced into being my audience, I was at the top of my game. 

I had an adamant argument for atheism at the time, and religious debate was the cream of the crop. I read Christian books, including the bible, often in high school. The initial reason for that was because I needed ammo for my debating skills, but eventually it became something else entirely. 

One particular day, there was a debate between Brandon (a fellow senior classmate) and I. It was a debate surrounding the idea of God and I was on the side of atheism. I will never forget towards the end of the debate when he had come to a realization that what he had previously thought was just a strength in debating, was actually my personal belief. He stopped the debate, looked me square in the eye, and said, “WAIT! You legitimately don’t believe in God? I thought this intensity was just for our debate?” 

I said, “I don’t.”

He said, (and this is an actual direct quote, I’ll never forget it) “You HAVE to believe in God. You’re so nice to people. Why would you be nice to people unless you had a reason?” 

In that moment he summed up what I had previously had so much trouble accepting from Christians. I had so much anger around Christians thinking that in order to do good in the world, you had to be a believer. Your reasoning had to be focused on getting something out of it personally and getting into heaven. 

At the time, that reasoning was so selfish and self-serving. How dare people ONLY be nice to others in order to get something out of it themselves. There was nothing less loving than that. I hated that Christians not only made that ok, but openly accepted it as a goal. 

At this point in my life and my belief I understand that there are many pieces to this puzzle. Some that I tend to agree with on a soul level and some that are just completely false in my heart. I no longer have the need or desire to debate any of it. 

God has given me that peace.

I’m not sure why He would do that. I certainly don’t deserve it. It took me 39 years to accept the peace that He had to offer, but He stayed present in my life and waited for me. Why did He, after all these years, give me exactly what I wanted and needed? 

Why wouldn’t He discipline me in a way that didn’t allow me to get exactly what I wanted? Why wouldn’t He “parent” me in a way that taught me a lesson? Instead, He loved me unconditionally even when He shouldn’t have. I denied His existence for so long. He had every right to withhold that peace from me.

I don’t deserve Him, and yet, I still feel His peace. My greatest prayer is that the whole world gets to feel His peace no matter what they’ve done. My greatest hope is that you are able to feel that love. And if you aren’t quite yet, please know, I believe, it’s coming.